Saturday, October 03, 2009


Her hunger overcomes her.
She shakes with urgency.
Too many nights she's waited,
bated shallow breath in hopes of ecstasy.

She's played the part they gave her,
recited every line.
But every time, he missed his cue,
forgot the words.
He put the cage inside the bird.

With a thirst so sharp it hurts,
she leaves his stage,
she turns the page.

And the whiteness of that empty space.
The brightness of her changing place,
it dazzles her, it burns her eyes,
it turns her tears blood red.

And as the droplets run like rubies,
slipping down her haunted face,
she licks her lips, she sighs, she smiles.
She likes the way it tastes.

It was just one rose,
hand-picked for beauty,
one stolen rose, that woke the beast
and now the beast inside this beauty,
it bays, it begs, to be released.

So here, a suitor comes to call.
A single rose in an outstretched hand.
An offering she can’t resist.
A gentleman deserves a kiss.

And as she tastes his mouth, his neck,
his spicy, scented, supple skin,
she feels the twang of breaking bars,
she hears a roar from deep within.

And for a moment, silence finds her,
a cool blue eye inside the storm.
and all the pieces fit together,
and all the answers form.

She clings to her sweet sacrifice.
She sinks her teeth into his flesh.
She feels her lover’s arms go limp.
She drinks his life, she steals his breath.
Her first, a feast, she won’t forget.
She strokes his sleeping eyes wide shut.
She rests her head upon his shoulder.
She weeps, she sleeps,
she leaves.

And as she walks away
into the newest night, the darkest sky,
she feels a strange sensation,
something beating
where her heart should be.
Her hunger overcomes her.
She shakes with urgency.


steven.nash82 said...

Sorry it's taken a while to comment on this piece aboot the undead - I blame the actual dead.

Anyhoo - nice work, who'da thunked that a writing challenge about vampires would prove such a pain in the neck (mwar har har - ok vampire puns over- maybe).

This is very you D with it's blood and tears and slight cinemax after a certain hour if ya get me drift lol?

Anyhoo I like the looseness of the form of this one, you've let the rhythms and rhymes lead you where they will not feeling constrained by stanza length of patterns which is great when the poem has such a strong sense of its own purpose and direction. It also adds to the slightly chaotic nature of the piece and the confusion that the narrator portrays - feeling caged but pushed and driven to break free and thirst for something else.

Stanza 2 is ace and I lurve the subversion of the caged bird image - "placed the cage inside the bird" - v v v nicely done missus and I love that you hang on to this theme throughout, to particularly strong effect in the 8th stanza.

S 3 - The stage performance imagery is great, I could picture and hear Darla reciting this in one of those buffy flashbacks. It's incredibly evocative and the stage again repeats the theme of being caged or feeling trapped inside someone elses character or someone elses pre-prepared lines.

Number 4 - The rhymes and rhythm really started to kick into the reader's mind and ear here it's got a great musicality to it, as all of your work does, but because this one has a longer length it lets the music take root so strongly.

The music carries on perfectly in the 5th one and the alliterative use of the "s" sound starts to create a repetative hiss, it's incredibly ominous and eerie get that serpenty "come hither eat this apple it's yummy" feeling going on.

The 6th stanza is one of my faves -

"It was just one rose,
hand-picked for beauty,
one stolen rose, that woke the beast"

it reminds me of the I Am Ghost Song - pretty people never lie vampires never really die, I know this won't have been an inspiration but love the idea of the rose an image for the giving or gift or whatever the wee vamps is calling it these days:
"so take this rose and we'll never be alone, I'll take the first bite. Yeah I am Ghost"

anyhoo back to the importnat bit (your poem) - That idea of the rose hand-picked for beauty suggesting the speaker as a flower only chosen for the aesthetic appeal adds a really sharp feminist bite.

Love the continued s's's's's alliteration in the 8th stanza, keeps the ominous mood seething and slithering and something else beginning with an s - ing away behind the words.

Stanza 9 and my favourite line, absolutely blown away by:

"And for a moment, silence finds her,
a cool blue eye inside the storm"

mainly that first half - it actually causes the effect of slamming the breaks on, or it did for me anyhoo - that sudden "silence finds her" adds a pause at a perfect moment. It feels like a great song and this is the pause just befor the final chorus.

Which kinda actually happens:
This incredible mantra sets off which feels manic, it just grows and grows and, though admittedly just my probably flawed reading of it, seems to get faster as it ploughs forward and then - again you slow the pace using only words - with

"she weeps, she sleeps, she leaves"

The final stanza is perfect for the vampiric theme, the title Hunger,

"her hunger overcomes her.
She shakes with urgency"

Great addiction line to finish and also so menacing - the reader knows she's out there waiting to feed again.

Anyhoo - I think we can safely crown you lil miss serpent the official winner of the vampire writing challenge.

Congrats - and again sorry it took so long xxx

hodgehedge said...

Huh, erm not sure quite what to add to that essay. I agree, I concur and I think it's pretty hahaha xxx