The waves of my ocean crystallised.
My surfers’ paradise lost.
The reservoir of my soul dehydrated,
an arid landscape,
no place for man.
Looking,
searching,
for a mirage.
To rest.
Just emptiness.
Nothing in sight.
My cards on the table,
waiting to rise.
Dry eyes.
9 comments:
oops sorry - the deleted post was mine but put comments for the wrong poem.
As for the Lion - great start!
If I had to make a criticism it would only be that the opening seems a bit too much -
The waves of my ocean crystallised.
My surfers’ paradise lost.
The reservoir of my soul dehydrated,
It's beautifully written and I wouldn't mention it if I didn't think that the poem was genuinely good but the rest of it is so goooooood and seems really natural. You've got a great sense of pace and a natural ear for rhythm so the whole of the rest of it:
Looking,
searching,
for a mirage.
To rest.
Just emptiness.
Nothing in sight.
My cards on the table,
waiting to rise.
Dry eyes.
is great. Love the individual sentences and the subtle rhyming.
Awesome work - more please
This is pretty impressive for a first attempt. I agree with the other comments about the opening I always end up throwing the openings to my poem away, they're like that bit of wood when you first start sawing, just chipping away until you get into the groove. When you relax into however the words become elevated.
The conceit is good too.
Nice work
It's good and it scans well but I'm not sure I concur with the last comments about the conceit. It's actually something that I thinks become a little old hat now. The whole desert thing as a metaphor for the soul.
I like the cards on the table image though waiting to rise - is that the cards or the speaker? I like the idea of the cards rising.
Promising stuff
Like it, think I mebbes agree with poetrytutor about the concept but it's still a lovely piece of work and I really enjoyed it.
xxx
I'd just like to add that I think the conceit is fine, in fact pretty strong. Okay so we've read about mirages, deserts and souls all mixed up before but the poet here has their speaker looking for a mirage, not water, not safety but the illusion of safety and that's a pretty profound sentiment in my book. The person has maybe given up on finding that shelter and now just a mirage would do, just a sign or a speculation to keep faith and carry on a little further. He's taken a used idea and made it something much much more. It's reinvigorated that image for me so I think it's a great conceit.
I agree with Steve on this one. I wouldn't have cared if it was a cliched idea but i actually don't think it is. Besides if people are gonna get too hung up on originality then where will all the poems about love and death go?
hahaha.
I think it's really good and I like the surfer paradise lost line too it made me laugh and thats not easy in poetry so kudos.
Why don't you guys start a submission based blog for aspiring poets to have their work critiqued? Just a thought but Steve is really good at the critical feedback thing and you could find new voices.
Jeni x
Ooh a new poet for the lil clique?
Who is this mysterious stranger?
Lion? intriguing
It's cool, I dunno much about poetry but I know what I like and this is cool. If you'd have put it on just as Serpent or even if I'd found it on Starlight I wouldn't have questioned it bein there
x
Like it, very new and cool
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