His silence engulfs her,
she’s crashing on rocks.
His tide pulls her in,
sweeps her out.
drags her under.
She’s gasping for air,
he’s right there,
he’s so far,
just beyond frantic fingers,
too distant to grasp.
His eyes are an ocean.
She’s drowning in blue.
Each tear pours more
salt in her wounds.
She’s treading his depths,
always waiting for waves.
Her heart is an anchor,
it sinks.
But there is the sun again,
warming her skin.
The water has calmed,
it caresses, it carries her.
Away in the distance a vision of land,
and something is next to her,
touching her hand,
She clings to her buoy.
5 comments:
This as ever is a nugget of lovliness bobbing in a sea of very blue sadness.
My fave but:
His tide pulls her in,
sweeps her out.
drags her under
It makes you feel breathless and gives a sense of that drowning feeling.
She’s gasping for air,
he’s right there,
he’s so far,
just beyond frantic fingers,
too distant to grasp.
This bits really expressive. Ilove the way each line ends with that 'r' sound except the final word which inverts it. That makes the word 'grasp' so forceful and dramatic adding to the suspense and the threat which builds throughout the poem and then ebbs away.
Its quite stunning how you achieve that too, there's a definite ebb and flow as though the reader is bobbing along with the woman and the buoy.
'But there is the sun again,
warming her skin.
The water has calmed,
it caresses, it carries her.'
This section lifts you up out of the asphyxiating feeling and lets you breathe again.
And although the whole piece is swathed in sadness I love that towards the end we have the positive, optimistic image. That sudden sight of land is lovely.
The ending is inspired too because although she has hold of the buoy - the fact that she is clinging to it gives me a sense that things are not completely resolved, and of course I love that we never actually see her reach dry land.
Beautiful Smurfette
well done x
Well what does one add to the above comment?
He is right on every count although I confess I didnot feel the hint of tension at the end,for me it was incredibly optimistic and uplifting. But I do now concede the point: the use of the very strong verb cling does make one sense that she is possibly grasping too tightly to this buoy.
In a lesser poets hands the use of buoy as a metaphor I assume for boy or man or partner would be rather inclined to make one bawk a little but with your ability you make the image fresh and vibrant.
Another charming success from a very gifted writer
Well done
WOWOWOWOOWOWOWOWOWhoopWhoop!!!
This is great really great really great!!! I can see the sea and the buoy and the waves and the tide and the distant shore and the bobbing and the suffocation and the struggle to stay afloat.
I lurvelurvelurve it!!!
Sorry its been a while since Icommerentatered been a beet busy but I shall get throoooo the rest of your posts soon I promise.
I love your work miss you must be so proudof yourself.
Can I askthough iz your head massive? Because I cannot work out how a human brain can do this x
wow the serpent has excelled herself with this fantastic piece of well written art, what can one say to this clever play on words anbody else would have made this sound somewhat dare i say it cheesey, but its romantacism and anticipation make my heartbeat rise and the finale engulfed me well serpent Im intrigued to see what you pull out of the bag in your next literary masterpiece ! ! !
"Her heart is an anchor,
it sunk."
Beautiful :D
Never thought about it like that :D
Between you and Steven I'll never run out of things to read that are worded so eloquently.
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