Iceberg

I am isolation
Seemingly small
Still
I’m harmless
Navigate me
Manoeuvre me
Come to me
Come closer
Crash into me
I’ll sink you
I’ll show you every horror that lies beneath the surface
I’ll plunge you down into icy darkness
Into desolate depths of despair

I’ll tear you
I’ll rip apart your hull
I’ll break you

And you will see the rest of me
And you will realise
And you will understand

Navigate me
I’ll drown you in my ocean
I’ll pierce you with my frozen soul
I’ll ruin you with my ancient pain
I’ll destroy you

I am isolation

Today

Today the trees danced for me.
They saw that I was lonely,
So they swayed and shook.
They whispered to me on the wind,
Knowing that I’d look.
Leafy fingers hypnotised me,
Tantalised me,
Made me stare.
Tempting me to come to them,
To float to them on windswept air.

I want to learn to be like them,
To let life move me yet be still,
To stand so stalwart yet bend at will.

I want to feel connected to everything that lives,
While rooted in my isolation as long as I exist.

Ask me about my day

Ask me about my day
And I will tell you
How I watched the wind blow through the trees,
It put me at ease.
How I blurred out my eyes and fell into a trance
Every few minutes or so.
How I listened to music that made me feel sad
And wished I was with you.
How I typed poetry on my computer
And looked very busy
How I stared at my screen
So long I got dizzy.
How I watched the wood pigeons
That sit on the lamppost,
They huddled so close,
And wondered if they love each other
Or if love’s just a human word.
How I worried about the future,
Of a life filled with days like these,
Calm, slow and aimless.
Ask me about my day
And I will tell you
How the best part
Was you.

Locked

Let’s close every window
And lock every door
And let it be just you and me.

Let’s deafen our ears
To the rest of the world
We’re not what they want us to be.

Snow Haiku

I fall and I float
Like a psychotic snowflake
Whipped up in the wind

Wake up

Falling asleep
Just to wake up.
Closing my eyes
To really see.

Inside
The darkness dissolves
And all becomes clear
To me.

Asleep

Slowly I slide into slumber,
I’m under.
I’m sinking in quicksand,
It swallows me whole.

The heaviest silence sedates me,
Don’t wake me.
Oblivion’s calling,
I’m falling,
I’m numb.

Lost deep in a sleep,
I’m nothing, I’m nowhere.
My essence seeps into the ether
Once more.

Alone in my darkness
Where no one can follow,
I’ve escaped from existence
To rest between worlds.

Starry

Dark skies glitter
Littered with light
Shimmering ghosts
Surging through time
I gaze
Starry-eyed

Sunset

Sunset Sky
Smouldering
Silently burning
So slowly, melting
Light becomes liquid
and burns ‘til it’s black

Poisoned

Poisoned arrows
Point at me,
Everybody holds a bow.
All gripped with tension and dark intention,
Ready to release.

I call the arrows to me.
I listen as they whistle past my ears.
I buckle as they break my skin
And pierce my flesh.

The poison penetrates,
Contaminates,
I’m weakened.

Cowards creep from shadows
To spit their venom in my open eyes,
To watch me die.

I rise.
I plunge my hand into my chest and seize my heart.
I hold it to the light
And there I see
Black blotches.

I rip them out.
I purge the poison and the perpetrators.
I throw them to the floor.
I watch them wither.
I walk away.

Mermaid

Washed away in a wave of woe
Wearily fighting against the tide
Weighted down by a thousand fears
Waiting to drown

Stopping the struggle
Starting to sink
Stunned by silence
The sound of the end
Surrendering

Though it hurts
To open my eyes
Stings and burns
I open my eyes
And now I see
Now I realise
I’m still alive

I can breathe down here
I can swim under water
I’m not scared anymore
I’ve become…

Kiss the bride

April showers turned to snow
And winter came to kiss the bride.
Her favourite season,
The perfect wedding guest.
The sky cried
Icy tears,
While careful not to wet the dress.
Frosty arms embraced her,
As the wind howled with joy.
December for a day,
A day just like her first,
A day she’d dreamed of.
Her fairytale fulfilled.

Scorched

Everyday boredom
Repetitive role-play,
It tires her.
She shuts her eyes,
Just for a second,
And tumbles down rabbit-holes,
Plunges through darkness,
Only to be scorched by the light
On the other side of her eyes.

Vision

Leaves
Bending, swaying,
Dancing,
To a tune I can't hear.
I want to be near to them
But a wall of glass is shutting me in,
Shutting me out,
Shutting.

The light is tinted, tainted,
Darkening my vision,
My sight, my insight.

But I have a square,
A square that leads to
Windy air
And I can stare,
I can stare.

Mask

I made this mask,
It's my creation.
I made it to protect myself,
I made it to be accepted,
It works.
Everybody loves my mask.

A pretty picture to look at.
Smiley, rosy apple lips and cheeks,
Big bright eyes and yellow hair.
Easy to look at,
Easy to talk to,
Simple.

Some days it's not so hollow.
The smile beneath is just as wide,
The warmth makes the mask glow.
Some days the tears leak out,
Stain the edges,
Smudge the paint.
Some days it nearly cracks.

I want to tear the mask off.
I want to feel the air on my clammy skin.
I want to throw it on the dirty ground
And stab it with stiletto heels.
I want to smother it
Like it smothers me.

How would people know me though?
Without my mask.
My face is a stranger,
Unknown, unsure, unpredictable.
They wouldn't feel at ease,
They wouldn't warm to me with flaws and frowns.
It's too much, too raw, too risky.

The mask is clinging, gripping,
Sucking at my skin,
Fusing with my flesh,
Melding with me.

Clown

Paint on a smile
Sparkle those eyes
Wiggle and giggle
Until they're holding their sides
Make ‘em laugh
Make ‘em scream
Make ‘em howl with delight
Take a fall
Give your all
Entertain them all night

Dress up in bright clothes
For the freakiest show
Top the bill
Overkill
You’re a loon
A buffoon

Dazzle and blind them
With a psychotic grin
Don’t give in
Get dressed up now
Make your face up
Keep on smiling
Everybody loves a clown

Don't stop smiling

Escape

Bring me to life,
Save me from this suffocation.
Find me, catch my hand and
Drag me out of this depression.
Lift my face up,
Show me the light,
Make me see.
Make me forget the darkness,
Make me forget.

Tell me you can fix me.
Tell me you can fill this void.
Give me all the answers
Please.

I don't want to look within,
I'm tired of myself.
I want a way out,
Why can't I escape?
Where are you?
Did you escape?

Watched

'An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself.' Albert Camus

Stop watching me,
Stop judging me,
I can feel your gaze all over me.
Grading me,
Degrading me,
Please, won't you stop berating me?

I can't evade
This thing I've made.
I can't fool myself with a bubbly charade.
There's nowhere to hide
From the eye that's inside me,
It knows where I am
And it knows I'm afraid.

Perpetual drowning

Plunged into a grimy sea of emotions,
Falling so fast from such a happy height
Clinging frantically onto anything solid
But it all breaks away
And I carry it down
Down into the dark.

Polar sensations, so erratic, temporary,
The warmth of belonging,
The ice-olation.
Flailing and panicking
Screaming and crying
Perpetual drowning
Where is the end?
Where is the bottom?
Why do I keep jumping in?

Complete

Completely accepted,
Completely respected.
No more being rejected,
Just loved and protected.

Even here in my fortress
You climb through the darkness
With a smile and a biscuit
And some warm milky tea.

I never expected
To feel so connected
To a person so different,
So different to me.


The flip side…

Completely neglected,
Completely dejected.
Nothing hurts like being rejected,
Feeling weak and pathetic.

I'm here again in my fortress,
Slowly drowning in darkness
Alone with my tears
And my biscuits and tea.

Why does this surprise me?
Of course you despise me.
We're just too damn different,
Too different to be.